It never rains . .
Since my daughters accident in Oct 2007, we as a family have lost two fathers (grandfathers), 1 friend who was recovering like Sophie, and now we wave goodbye to my wife’s mum, Sophies Grandmother. Are we unusual or does it happen like this?
To think this has happened in a 2 year period when our emotions are at rock bottom anyway, is something you rarely find. Even worse when you consider we have lost Sophie (as we knew her) as well! What one has to remember, even though as an adult you deal with these things and can prepare somewhat for any event like this, the minds of a 13 yr. old and 10 yr. old are irreparably damaged. How do you deal with questions like, “When will you die Daddy”? Any answer I may give is immediately shot down in flames with a quick concise history lesson of the last 24 months.
Life is about living and learning, and coping with grief – but there are limits to what one can safely explain!
One can also recite many areas of the world where tragedies and disasters are a daily occurrence, and that poverty is rife in our modern economy, but explanation is difficult when the event is closer to home. The questions are more searching, demanding, and inquisitive. It remains to be seen what questions will evolve from the funeral, and people they have never met walk up to them and give them their sympathies.
I worry about what my girls minds are like and what worries they harbour and how best to deal with them. Particularly this year as the hope of bringing Sophie home looms ever nearer and defence solicitors continue to pound on the fact that Sophie will only live 5 years. It makes questions ever so much harder to deal with in light of their current loss.
1 comment
i’m always cautious about speaking at times like this…so many times well meaning people have done nothing more than prove that they have no idea what i’m going through and can’t be bothered to find out.
but i’m just as cautious not to keep quiet out of fear.
so with ever so much caution here’s my reply to your post….
your family has lost more in the last few years than most families will lose ever. most people will never understand that and that will probably be one of your hardest relational trials in the future. the, ‘oh i lost my gran i understand how you feel’ people will make you scream, at the very least on the inside, and sometimes right out loud. if you’re lucky you’ll never punch one of them in the nose.
your family vacillates between despair over losing what sophie was and celebrating things most people would consider trivial. people will try to console you with, ‘at least she’s alive’ while they drive theirs kids off to sports practice, piano lessons, and university. and when you’re family is making a holiday of it because sophie can lift her arm some people will shake their heads because they feel sorry for someone who has to ‘imagine’ accomplishments for their child. all making you scream, at the very least on the inside, and sometimes right out loud. if you’re lucky you’ll never punch one of them in the nose.
you’ll worry that the losses your kids have suffered will lead them down paths you don’t want for them. you’ll worry that the attention you give sophie will negatively impact your healthy kids. you’ll hang on too tightly to your healthy kids so as not to lose them too. you’ll want to keep things from your healthy kids because sophie can’t have them. and when someone asks you how things are going, you’ll tell them all of your parenting worries and they won’t understand. all making you scream, at the very least on the inside, and sometimes right out loud. if you’re lucky you’ll never punch one of them in the nose.
and no matter how much we hope and pray for you, the reality is that for at least a very long time you’ll be told by ‘experts’ and ‘advice offerers’ what you should and should not do, what will and will not work and how hopeless your situation is. all making you scream, at the very least on the inside, and sometimes right out loud. if you’re lucky you’ll never punch one of them in the nose.
so my advice is as follows…..
*try not to punch stupid people in the nose…..it doesn’t make them smarter
*take time to scream as needed…..but try not to do it in public more than necessary
*apologize to your kids as needed (in my case daily) and explain to them that your anger isn’t because of them
*tell your kids about your worries and fears to the extent that their ages will allow because their imagined fears and seeing you scared will do way more damage than walking in reality with them
*give your kids time to talk about how much their lives suck more than other people…..in our house it’s a time when i just listen and don’t advise or fix…..as my baby boy says, ‘mamma i don’t need you to fix this i just need to yell’…..let them yell
*try not to hate the stupid people more than is healthy…..you live in a wonderful time of global communication lean on the non-stupid people of the world
*if an opportunity arises where you and your wife can spend some time alone…take it…..the strength you have together will be the best medicine your kids will ever have
and when you’ve screamed and cried and hated and cussed to the point where there’s nothing left to do but be quiet…..look back on the day when they told you to stop the life support and know that they were wrong. then look at all of the decisions since then and know that it was your choices as parents that have been the keys to her success. then trust your judgment as flawed as it may be to get your kids through the hard times.
mourn when you need to, celebrate every chance you can and as gandalf says, ‘do the best you can with the time that’s been given to you.’ and when those times come, lean on those who understand as often as you need…..and it will be ok with them because they do understand.